How to bag a geek

By Cecile Flechon French Journalist @kamacess

Ladies, sometimes in life you need to learn how to lower your expectations. You’re close to (or slightly over) your thirties; your hormones are screaming out, you’re ready to procreate, and yet still single? You need a man.

In this particular age group, stop deluding yourself, you’ll have to select someone from two categories:

– the damaged, who’s just realized after a 7 year relationship with his high-school sweetheart that she was cheating on him with his best friend. Which sucks. He lost all faith in love and will soon start collecting rifles or get into Klismaphilia.

– the geek. However, I’m not talking about guys with an iPhone and who kicks ass at Plants vs Zombies (they’re just a naive hipsters). I’m talking about the real geek, with a mess of hair, poor home furnishing based around network cables and RAM strips, who, besides his mother, talks to two girls a month when it’s time to grab some food like frozen pizza/coke/noodles at the convenience store. The single and rather cute geek is an relatively untapped resource and somewhat neglected so GO FOR IT GALS.

I won’t go over the benefits of having a geek as a boyfriend and father, nor how to get one; it’s all been done before. Instead, I’ll give you a surefire guide on how to bag one of these shy boys and get him to do the previously implausible: try to hit on you in a clumsy but cute way.

1. Intro: using the network to get your net (to) work

You’re used to using your skills with regular guys, and you don’t go in for the kill until you’ve found our as much as you can about your target on Facebook. Unfortunately, the geek may have a militant part (sometimes he’s into being untraceable), and not have signed up. Your target is nevertheless definitively on twitter or runs a blog. Between two notes/links about downloading regulations or his last discovery on 4chan, you might find some precious information about him, his tastes, his “world”, as they’d say on American Idol.

2. Talk to me nerdy

You’ll score big by talking to him (what’s rare is expensive). But be careful, some mistakes are easy to make. The geek values intelligence, even if he’s not. And he tends to put every girls into the same category: “mammal whose main activity is manicures, shopping, food: broccoli, interior design: a candy-pink theme, culture: Dan Brown and Twilight.” So just avoid these subjects. For the subjects that matter, check out the footnote. Don’t forget to be funny. Geeks have humor.

3. Be fully aware of geek culture

As you may know, there is a geek culture. Believe it or not, these people have read a lot, which might be difficult to acknowledge because of the time they spend on their computer. Luckily for you, this took place when they were teenagers and had the time to do so, and these key books are still barely out of reach. After reading the first chapter of Foundation (Asimov), of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams, thin and cheap) or of Dune, you’ll be able to get to the enviable “someone I can talk to” status. One sort of nail polish is enough; let me remind you that the goal here is to create the conditions for inseminating intercourse, not talk all night. An afternoon in your neighborhood library will do it. If you don’t have a library nearby, tell him that your favorite books when you were 12 were A thrilling fantasy adventure in which YOU are the hero.

4. Now play

You realize that geeks are big children. In my opinion, a quality geek uses a PC, but let me remind you that you are looking for motherhood here. Don’t be too picky and just be content with someone who likes his games, especially if he’s a little bit hot. It would be a good idea to get some facts about his equipment and deduce some key names. Especially some battle games that you can play together. Picture this: “So you have a X-Box? D’you think you’ll kick my ass at Soul Calibur?” Followed by a giggle and it’s in da pocket.

5. Mind your appearance

Just a small reminder: the geek is a shy and sensitive being. On another the other hand, he’s got used to the idea of ending up a long-term bachelor, or with a fat and hairy girl. So, you need to be feminine and at the same time accessible. Choose between the low-cut top and the skirt, and forget about excessive make-up. Be the girl next door, fresh and smiley. No matter what, you’ll never be as hot as Seug Mina.

6. Have a chainmail

The chainmail reveals two things. First, maybe once, you were been involved in a LARP (Live Action Role Playing, a kind of fancy-dress gathering of geeks), then you’re ready to fight against a zombie attack. In other words, you’re ready to rumble AND you have a strong practical sense. Meaning you’re the perfect woman, worth to perpetrate his genetic heritage.

7. Use Sed to get him to concede

A perfect way to communicate with a geek is via IM. I’ll give you my secret weapon, which is like catnip to any geek (a real one, who writes code). It’s the sed. One day, eventually, you’ll make a typing error. Instead of rectifying immediately like regular people do, just type this:

s/[word to replace]/[replacement word]/

It doesn’t seem like much, any first grader can do it and the effect is just pure magic. In practice it looks like this:

>Tenfloril : I love pizza. What’s your fav meal?

>Ursula78 : I could kill for peking fuck

>Ursula78 : s/fuck/duck/

>Tenfloril : BUT

>Tenfloril : BUT

>Tenfloril : BUT

>Tenfloril : Marry me.

The Digital Economy State Secretary and the Population Explosion Ministry sponsored this post. If it’s a girl, you can call her Hillary.